Transcript
Disclaimer! These are fan transcriptions of the show, so there is chance for errors. Sorry for any inconvenience!
Episode 1 - The Sound of Love
INT: Awards Show and Restaurant
Announcer: People of this room, please welcome to the stage Jazz Emu!
Cheering and applause, followed by journalist chatter and camera flashes
Reporter: Mr Emu, Mr Emu! Are you happy with your latest album release?
Jazz: Is the Pope a Catholic?
Reporter: What an incredible album title
Jazz: My music isn’t afraid to ask the difficult questions
Reporter: And?
Jazz: He is
Journalist chatter and camera clicks
Restaurant Owner: Ah Mr Emu come in, come in. Your custom is always a pleasure. Your usual VIP table is ready in the back, can I get you a drink?
Jazz: I’ll take a tea. Iced, long and island
A drink is poured out, fading into chatter again
Announcer: And the inaugural Nobel Prize for coquettish cheekiness goes to… Jazz Emu! Mr Emu, do you accept this award?
Jazz: (coquettishly) Maybe.
The crowd gasps in awe and begins chattering about how cheeky and coquettish Jazz is
INT: Jazz's Studio
Jazz: Oh, it’s you! I didn’t see you there, which makes sense because this is a radio format. My name is Jazz Emu. Musician, esteemed celebrity and activator of the Bognor Regis Christmas lights 2014… and again in 2014 when they didn’t come on initially. You may also know my portfolio of global smash hit records from across the decades. I’ve also been generous enough to write lyrics for other artists’ work over the years, such as the Bee Gees’ chart nuzzling single of the 1980’s ‘Haahhh’.
Slow jazz music begins to play
Bee Gees: You make me wanna aahhh, aahhh, haahhh, haaahhh!
The music stops abruptly
Jazz: I truly am a master wordsm- wordsmaker- uh word- words-md-smith. So, all this success in the music industry, why record a radio show? Well in this day and age it’s easy for normal people like you to feel distant from celebrities they admire like me.In this series, I’ll be letting you into my life as a musician. To show that there’s no hierarchy or judgement separating stars from the insipid plebs-
A door opens
Bonson: Here you go Uncle Jazz, usual drink: one malt whisky on the rocks, no ice.
Jazz: Ah, thank you Bonson. You can put the pebbles on the chaise lounge. You’re just in time, I’m recording the introduction for the radio show.
Bonson: Oh my god, amazing! (He gets too close to the mic, making the audio crackly and distorted) Testing, one two, welcome to the international radio
The two speak over each other
Jazz: Yeah just- just a little further away from the mic is probably- Bonson
Bonson: Oh- yeah I…
Jazz: Dear listeners, allow me to introduce my nephew slash manager slash manservant Bonson. I took Bonson under my wing after my dear brother’s passing. He really has proved himself valuable at keeping me on the straight and narrow.
Bonson: (bashful) Aw, thanks Uncle Jazz.
Jazz: Let me tell you listeners, there are few people in this world I trust with my life… and Bonson keeps them in a list on his phone for me.
Bonson: I just wanted to say Uncle Jazz, it’s such-
Jazz: Now be quiet! I’m introducing the show. People of the world and surrounding areas! I am Jazz Emu, this is my Bonson, you are humanity and this is The Sound of Us!
The title music revs up and begins to play. It is a funky, bassy tune.
Backing: Ooh!
Jazz: That's the sound of you
Backing: Listening to
Jazz: The sound of me
Backing: I'm ready, ooh!
Jazz: My name is Jazz Emu
Backing: It’s the sound, it’s the sound, it’s the sound, it’s the Sound of Us
Jazz: And this is The Sound of Us
The music stops
Jazz: I received some terrible news this week. My dearest friends Angelica and Bradbury - who have been a couple for over a decade – recently moved in together and it’s been putting a huge strain on their relationship. Oh Bonson, this- this news of their relationship collapse, it’s broken my heart. And as a sex therapist who is UN certified-
Bonson: I thought you weren’t certified?
Jazz: UN lowercase
Bonson: Ah
Jazz: I felt it was my duty to go round and help them out. It was time to show these average Joes just how down to earth a celebrity can be.
INT: Angelica and Bradbury's Dining Room
There is awkward silence, the sounds of cutlery on plates and a quiet cough can be heard.
Jazz: Well! Here we all are. It’s so important to get some time alone in peace, isn’t it. To reestablish intimacy… To just absorb the quiet sound of each other’s company… To just let things sit-
Bradbury: Can I offer you a chair Jazz?
Jazz: Thanks, but no thanks. You know me Bradbury, I’m more of a recline on the table kind of guy.
Angelica: Could you pass the mustard?
Jazz: No problem!
Jazz slides the mustard over, audibly hitting glasses together along the way
Bradbury: I just think you’d be more comfortable sitting.
Angelica: (Angry) Why do you think you have the right to control everyone around you?
Bradbury: (Also angry) Oh so now I’m the one that’s controlling? That’s rich coming from you-
Jazz: Woah, woah, woah! My beloved friends, I know communication between the two of you has been difficult recently, but if there’s one thing I know as a sex therapist (and there is only one thing) It’s that it’s always best to get everything out in the open. So, Angelica, the truth is… Bradbury isn’t sure if he ever truly loved you.
Angelica: What?!
Jazz: He told me himself
Bradbury: Jazz what the actual hell?!
Jazz: Come come Bradbury, you did tell me you were saying that with confidence
Bradbury: I said in confidence!
Jazz: Ah you know what, in hindsight that does make-
Angelica: (Distraught) I- I can’t believe this. Twelve years Bradbury!
She leaves the room, crying. She can be heard muffled through the wall.
Jazz: So just to be clear, when you said ‘This is between us’ you weren’t talking about the breakfast bar we were sitting at?
Bradbury: (Seething) Get out.
Jazz: (Quickly) With pleasure.
INT: Jazz's Studio
Bonson: How was it with Angelica and Bradbury?
Jazz: Deeply troubling Bonson. It looks like helping their relationship is going to take more than just my formidably potent communication skills and my radically incisive perspective on the perennially fragile human condition and my concise use of words. But what?
Bonson: How about a song? You could write one to make them fall in love again!
Jazz: I- I don't know if I can Bonson
Bonson: Oh nonsense, what was that quote about your latest album in that music magazine? ‘This album has the power to ignite any emotion in the human psyche. Five stars.’
Jazz: Hmm, you’re right, I did say that to the interviewer. But Bonson, I’m not sure I can do it this time!
Bonson: Oh snap out of it man!
A slap is heard
Jazz: I’m not strong enough Bonson!
Bonson: Pull yourself together!
Slap
Jazz: I can't!
Slap
Bonson: Please stop slapping me
Jazz: I'll try
Bonson: Look, you are Jazz Emu. You made some of the most romantic songs of the last century! Like- like that George Michael Song you produced.
Jazz: Ah yes, ‘This Christmas’. Released a year before his song ‘Last Christmas’, he was still in a relationship when he wrote this one.
Music begins to play
George Michael: This Christmas, you became mine... I know it's gonna last, a really long time... This relationship could never end in sorrow... I'm totally sure you won't dump me tomorrow.
There is a light record scratch and the song ends
Jazz: You’re right. I produced that romantic masterpiece! All I need to do is make the most romantic song this planet has ever heard, play it for Bradbury and Angelica and reignite the embers of their passion. We figured it out Bonson! Put her there!
Another slap
Bonson: Can you please stop slapping me?
Jazz: It’s such a slapable face, I’m sorry
Time Skip
Jazz: We need to work out what makes music romantic. Bonson, dig into my record collection. We need to analyse.
Bonson: (Searching) Okay, romance, romance… okay, uh, this Barry White song?
Deep, seductive music plays. The singer’s voice is incredibly low and difficult to make out.
Barry White: Ooh, feels so nice... Both of your legs around my legs... Everyone in the bed... Two pairs of feet next to my face... Looking you in the leg... Up and down...Don’t stop, don’t start
There is a light record scratch and the song ends.
Jazz: Dear God that bassline is sexy, but I can’t understand a word he’s saying. As any great pop writer knows; lyrics bring musicality to life. A good set of lyrics will always improve a song, as I well know from performing as lead vocalist for the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
Flight of the Bumblebee starts playing, with Jazz vocalising imperceivably quickly over the top. He is reading out the Wikipedia introduction to Bumblebees - as accurate to the time of recording in 2023.
There is a light record scratch and the song ends.
Jazz: Hm, hm! The conductor was so impressed with my performance in the Royal Albert Hall that evening. All the way through he was weeping and shouting: ‘There are no words, there are just no words’.
Bonson: (Adoringly) I was so proud of you
Jazz: Next song please, Bonson. We need to analyse the lyrics
Bonson: Okay, uh, ACDC – ‘Let’s Play Golf (If You Know What I Mean)’
Music of a similar tune to the verse of Highway to Hell starts to play
ACDC: I got a hole in one (if you know what I mean)... She was shining my club (if you know what I mean)... My ball was in a bucket (if you know what I mean)... And the hole was my ball (if you know what I mean)... If that wasn’t clear to you guys, no problem I can clarify... The club was my dick, which is the shape of a flag... The flag is her hole, and the hole is her butt
There is a light record scratch and the song ends
Jazz: Those guys really got subtlety. Perfect! Right, we need sweeping strings, sexy bass, gently euphemistic lyrics. I think we’re onto something here. Bonson, I’m going to the recording studio, meet me at Bradbury and Angelica’s in one hour!
INT: Angelica and Bradbury's House
Jazz: My dear friends! I’ve come to save your relationship with the power of- Bradbury? Where’s Angelica?
Bradbury: She’s gone to the airport.
Jazz: To the airport? No! She’s leaving you!
Bradbury: What- no, Jazz she’s just-
Jazz: No time for context! Bonson, to Heathrow!
INT: Heathrow Airport
Check In Officer: (Monotone) Hi there, passport and boarding pass please.
Jazz: Do you need me to take of my belt?
Check In Officer: No sir, this is the check in desk.
Jazz: Wow, what a beautiful idea. It’s so important to check in. How are you doing, mentally?
Check In Officer: (Surprised, letting her guard down) Wh- what? Wow, its so kind of you to ask. Well if I’m being honest, I’ve been feeling pretty invisible recently, like no one wants to talk to me-
Jazz: Look Bonson! There’s Angelica! She’s going through security. Angelica! Ah, she can’t hear me. Quick, grab that officer’s security purse, we’ve got an important announcement to send over the tannoy.
Security Officer: Oi! What the hell are you doing, that’s staff only!
Clangs of a door can be heard.
Security Officer: Oi!
The tannoy chime gently plays.
Jazz: (Through the tannoy) This is a passenger announcement. Would my friend Angelica please listen to this romantic song I’ve written, and fall back in love with Bradbury and make everything in our friendship group nice again.
Angelica: What the-?
Jazz Emu’s song ‘The Right Time’ begins to play.
Jazz: I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl... That I’ve been thinking about you weekly... Every Monday morning briefly... Seven seconds at 11 am... I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you girl... That I’ve been thinking about you sometimes... But all my thoughts of you are confined... To when I’m not wondering if a whale could make cheese... If whales are really mammals, you could technically milk one... And give it to a cheese monger... We could cure world hunger... Just imagine how much cheese we could make!
The song fades out, and is interrupted by the door opening
Angelica: Jazz, what the hell are you doing?
Jazz: Angelica! You sly dog, did you steal a security pass too?
Angelica: You need to leave, Jazz.
Jazz: Angelica, don’t get on that plane.
Angelica: I’m not getting on a plane.
Jazz: Yes! I’ve done it! Bonson, feed me the celebratory Toblerone!
Bonson: Don’t mind if I do
Angelica: No Jazz, I was never getting on a plane. I work in security checks? At terminal 3?
Jazz: (Mouth full of Toblerone) I'm sorry?
Angelica: (Exhasperated) Christ! We’ve been friends for 15 years, how do you not know this!
Jazz: (Mouth still full of Toblerone) Bonson, extract the celebratory Toblerone.
Angelica: Jazz, my relationship with Bradbury doesn’t need saving. Sometimes it’s better to admit that you just need to end things. We’ve been drifting apart for years, it just feels like the right time.
Security Officer: (Muffled) Oi!
Angelica: We should probably unlock the door
Jazz: They’re going to taze me aren’t they?
Angelica: Probably
The door finally opens.
Jazz: Gentlemen! Before we make any hasty-
Tasers are heard as Jazz exclaims and collapses to the floor.
INT: Jazz's Studio
Jazz: Wow, I can’t believe that Angelica worked at airport security the whole time. I didn’t even know. Am I really so self involved? Do I not pay attention to other people?
Bonson: Not really Jazz.
Jazz: If only Bonson were here, he’d tell me straight.
Bonson: I am here.
Jazz: Oh my god- don’t scare me like that Bonson!
Bonson: It wouldn’t hurt to listen to people a bit. Have you not learnt anything from what’s happened? Life’s not all about you Jazz.
Jazz: You’re right Bonson, you’ve changed my whole perspective. I need to start really appreciating those around me, and I never would have discovered this without your insight.
He begins to clap.
Jazz: Bravo Bonson, Bravo!
Bonson: Please stop slapping me
Jazz: Force of habit, sorry.
Time Skip
Jazz: So there you have it dear listener. Our first episode. The first glimpse behind the veil of celebrity mystique, and the utterly relatable normalcy of every day life. So you see, at the end of the day there is no inherent hierarchy between us all. Whether you’re me, global superstar Jazz Emu, or you, the average Joe or Jane or some other boring name. Fare thee well, friend and see you next time. I’ve been Jazz Emu, and you have not.